So a week ago today I went to my Piano Lesson as I did every Thursday at 6:30 for 13 weeks. I was excited and proud because I had gone through this professional and personal goal process at work 12 weeks ago and had set (a difficult but attainable, I thought) goal of learning two songs in 12 weeks after never playing the piano before.

The lesson began with causal chit-chat and coffee (unusual for us, normally we began playing right away). She served my coffee on this nice china with cup and saucer and silver spoon, very proper. As we were sipping and moved closer to the piano the conversation came up as to when I would “perform” my formal recital since it was the end of the 12 weeks. I explained that it was not needed, it was more of an informal goals project at work. Then somehow she and I had mis-communicated about which song was to be my second song. She thought it was this Bach prelude that I still couldn’t play and I thought it was the two songs “RoadRunner” and “Tinkle Twinkle little star” (both hands baby!). She got agitated quickly as I explained that I was not ready with the Bach piece because there were parts that were too hard for me. She then sat at the piano and played the parts I thought were hard and said “these are easy, you should know this.” Yes! She said that, exact words. Strait face. I felt like a 10-year-old who failed a math quiz or something! Then the next 10 minutes spiraled out of control! It was like a storm in front of my eyes that just kept getting worse and worse, with little control. She and I argued over the recital, the Bach piece, her condescending approach to me, the goals project, the insufficient keyboard I was using at work to practice etc. It became a terrible interaction. She asked that I sit down and play the Bach piece. I told her I was still upset and really concerned about the miscommunication and how she spoke to me so condescending and negative. Then it got even more out of control – she told me that it was my choice to be upset and offended but we were not there (at her house) to talk we were there to play. She just refused to talk about the issue and you know me, I’m a pit bull, when I want to talk about something or do something I don’t let go! Bad combination! She then asked me again to play the piece, refusing to have a (grown up) conversation with me about our confrontation.  So I tried to take a deep breath and play but when I got to the third measure I began choking up with tears. I explained that I could not play because I was so upset at our discussion. I was embarrassed.  As I walked to the door she explained she would refund me for the lesson for next week not for tonight. I said that was fine. I thanked her and asked her one more time if we could talk, letting her know I had learned a lot from her and had wanted to keep learning from her. She repeated again that it was my choice to sit down and play music but there would be no discussion.  She was very calm the whole time. She never got defensive or angry or raised her voice. I thanked her for her time and left (very distraught). I think I was less upset at her control and condescension that I was at the confusion of what the heck just happened in there!

A 12 week relationships over. A customer for her – gone. A weird feeling of confusion still when I play – I think of her.  That will pass in time.

So anyways. I did it. I finished my two songs and despite the crazy end to my 12 week goal, I still feel good about what I learned and going through that process.
I also hired a new instructor who I interviewed yesterday (you know me, bounce back, get to it, waste no time!) He is great and is a much better fit for what I want to do, piano for fun and family music time, that’s it.

I followed up with an email to her asking for the check to be mailed to me for my refund. I still have not received it.  I have forgiven her, really. I am not mad.

That night I felt really hurt about not being listened to. We all want our feelings to be heard! I also felt hurt at the disappointment of all my hard work with lessons over 3 months ending like that oh, the drama of it!

I don’t think I’ll ever really know what happened in her mind as she and I argued around the piano a week ago tonight.

Elena loves her Hello Kitty dress. She wears it all the time. It’s dirty right now and in the hamper but recently she’s been asking for it. She may feel a little grumpy or sad and she’ll whine about wanting to wear her hello kitty dress. My gosh, look how adorable she is in it.  This photo was taken on a beautiful late summer Saturday night recently. We had just purchased the jeep and were headed out to eat as a family (our fav thing to do)! She was so cute so I decided to snap some pics. It was a really peaceful, happy moment.

I am wearing my pin today to remember all of our babies that have died. My personal journey through all of this has been extreme grief and sadness over our Daniela who died when I was 16 weeks pregnant. I was early in my other three pregnancy losses that it really didn’t affect me much at all. For our 8 week loss I had 1 day/evening of tears and then a lot of sadness the week after I learned the baby had really died but the other two at 5 weeks and 6 weeks had little to no effect on me.  The combined, stacking weight of having 4 miscarriages is 18 months is what I live with every day,  along with missing Daniela. It’s not as if I grieve and think about each baby separately. To me, it’s Daniela and infertility (4 losses) if that makes sense.

So today, on this day of awareness, I hope family members and loved ones learn to continue to reach out to those they love and care for (not necessarily on this day, but in general) who have lost of a baby to SIDS, stillbirth and miscarriage. Tell them you are thinking of them and that you recognize that what they have gone through is painful.

Oh and at 7pm I’ll be lighting a candle for our Daniela, our other babies who died, for my counselor’s son Theo who died of a brain tumor at 9 months old, and for my wonderful new friend…for her beautiful daughter Lacey who was born still a year ago today, 10/15. God bless you all and give you peace. Today is hard but tomorrow we keep putting one foot in front of the other…

The prices are great and they offer a network of local regular grocery store items alongside awesome local farmers for meat, produce, baked goods and prepared foods.  I am in heaven.

I can also get staples for Elena like Motss applesauce, Greek Yogurt and Frozen MacNCheese and Nuggets.

You also can shop for local Richmond prepared foods from local eateries for coffee beans, ice cream, cupcakes, bagels, oysters, cheese and chocolate and much more.  We place our order online Wednesday by midnight and Dave picks it up Thursday on his way home from work – you just pull up and they load up your car with your order.

OH MY GOSH- our lives just got a lot eaier. No need to now run to whole foods or trader joes on my lunch hour to stock up on organic dairy, whole what pizza dough or more organic spinach – it’s all right there.

Here are their pick ups… http://www.relayfoods.com/PickupLocations . For Southsiders they have ACAC and for near Westenders they have JCC and CapOne for far Westenders. Check it out…

Last week Dave and I went to Kings Dominion for the day for a date day (no Ebeans!). We hadn’t been for years but I had heard about some of the newer fast roller coasters they have. I hadn’t heard anything specific since this one opened in 2010. While in line to ride the Intimidator 305 for the first time, a young couple scheduled to be in the row in front of us were talking about blacking out. I asked them if that was normal and the young guy said, very confidently, “Oh yeah, I blackout almost every time on this 1 curve. The last time I rode it the girl in front of me blacked out two times.” We chatted for the two minutes before it was our turn to board the coaster. I was a little nervous. I still didn’t fully believe the guy but he seemed so sure that the G forces on certain curves can make riders blackout. So, long story short, holy crap! The coaster shoots you up a big hill really fast and then takes you down a vertical drop of about 300 feet. Right after the drop on the curve I lost all vision and hearing for about 10 seconds and felt really ill. I was so surprised that it was happening to me.  I could still sense wind on my face and a little of the rain sprinkles so I know I didn’t fully loose consciousness. So we rode it a second time to see if it was just a fluke but in the exact same spot I lost vision again and had this “gray out” experience! I did a little digging and turns out that it’s a common thing. At one point Kings Dominion slowed down the ride because of the blackouts but then got complaints from avid thrill seekers so they put it back to its original speed.  It was fun but I just can’t believe they allow you to physically go that fast! Overall it was a nice relaxing day to just have some fun and let loose.
**http://www.themeparkinsider.com/flume/201004/1855/

“How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently. Only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon my heart.” ~Author Unknown”

“Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him/her about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold my angel on your lap and tell him/her about me?”

“Ask my Mom how she is, “I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping”. For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth just say your heart is broken. She’ll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine. But if you ask her how she is, she’ll lie and say she’s fine. I am here in Heaven. I cannot hug from here. So If she lies to you don’t listen, hug her and hold her near”…..(Grieving Mothers)

She is fearless in the water. If a wave, waist deep, knocked her down she got right back up smiling. She wanted to go deeper and deeper. She loves swimming in the pool too and would jump in and get her head wet and tread water, no problem. She developed this little attitude right away on Monday. When you asked her to do something she would say “ok” but sing songy and drawn out with a little bit of attitude like “OHHHKAAAAAY” : “if I have to do it, I’ll do it.” It was unique but got a little annoying by Friday. She’s still not the best st sharing. She get’s so focused on a toy or shovel or castle or pool thing that if she wants it it is tough to get her redirected to something else. I really just had a genuine blast with her. Dave and I had some fun alone time too. We had a fun night with the group playing cornhole and also were albe to go out one night and play some pool which was really fun. One day she had fallen asleep in the car after some shopping and we drove on the beach with the jeep. It was peaceful with not a lot of carss out there. We parked mid beach and sat on the trailer just watching the waves for a little bit. There was a misty rain in the air and the water was a dark deep blue from the reflection of the dark clouds in the sky. What a neat afternoon. On the way back driving on the beach we saw some of the wild horses that live in the area where there are no houses. Spending all day every day with our daughter was the best. She said she was going to be sad at school because she’ll miss us and we’ll miss her too. I love her so much.